Do you ever feel like you're on a tightrope?
This seems to be my constant state of mind over the past six months. And just as soon as I start to gather some semblance of balance, managing to edge forward fractionally, someone adds a weight to one of my hands sending me dangerously close to toppling off.
And I've always had a dodgy sense of balance.
Even typing this post, I am struggling to concentrate. It's like that Internet meme which mentions the author's mind being like a web browser with seventeen tabs open, three have crashed and you can't work out which one the music is coming from. That's me, most of the time.
Insomnia is a bitch.
It's not uncommon to still be lying here at 4am just waiting…
Waiting for my husband to resume snoring. Waiting for the YouTube meditation track (that I should have fallen asleep to) to end so I can turn it off. Waiting to see if I really do need another 'tinkle', just in case.
Waiting for my mind to just stop long enough to grasp the sleep cloud and slip into much needed rest for a few hours.
Mirtazapine is too strong. It wipes me out the next day, and that's when I actually can wake up. Promethazine doesn't work, not even two tablets.
I long to feel calmed. That this entropy that is my mind will one day lose its fragility and frangible qualities, and allow focus and serenity to reign.
To my fellow reader who had to google “inharmonious cacophony“, it means an annoying jumble of noise.
Oh hon, I'm sorry to hear that. It is not easy. I hope you find your peace. Hugs xx