This is a departure for me to write this on my blog but I feel the need to.

This post might not stay for very long but sometimes 140 characters on twitter just aren't enough.

I'm well aware that this blog has been review after review after sponsored post after craft after review posts lately but I really want to clear the backlog that I've allowed to build up.

I hate that I haven't done a Country Kids in weeks. I hate that I haven't written any posts about our life and the silly things my son does. I hate that I haven't posted anything to get conversation flowing.

I'm having a bit of a 'meh' week.

Finally after three and a half years I'm getting somewhere with my issues surrounding The Boy's birth. I don't want to blog about it because it's a deeply personal thing and not particularly positive, this blog is my happiness and light place. Problem is, that a week before Christmas, I'm struggling to find the happiness and light.

On Sunday I met with a midwife practitioner who went over my birth notes in detail for me. She helped me process the timeline of events, helped me understand why I have felt that I blacked out after pethidine (I didn't, I just have an adverse reaction to opiate based painkillers) despite my husband always maintaining that I didn't, explained the reasons why they didn't do an emergency c-section. She also agreed that two or three incidents during my ante-natal and post-natal care were (and I quote) 'piss poor'.

That helped me a lot and I walked away feeling positive about the whole thing and my inner self was happier. I'm no longer angry about his birth. I'm angry at one GP and a couple of other folk, but I understand why.

Yesterday I had my first counselling session to help me combat the issues. It didn't help going over everything again with another new person so close to having done it on Sunday. I came away from the session exhausted and confused. She asked me one or two questions that left me feeling bamboozled and actually a little outraged. I discussed this with a friend last night and she helped me think more rationally, but today I'm flat.

I've lost my mojo and I don't like it.

Oh bugger, I wasn't going to write all of that.